Lesson: Communication Pitfalls
The Bible has a lot to say about our relationships, including how we communicate. How we listen to others and what we say and don't say can build or destroy the connections we have with others. God tells us how to avoid many common pitfalls that can damage our relationships.
Stephen R. Covey relates this story in the chapter about "Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood" in his book The
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People:
"A father once told me, 'I can't understand my kid. He just won't listen
to me at all.'
"'Let me restate what you just said,' I replied. 'You don't understand
your son because he won't listen to you?'
"'That's right,' he replied.
"'Let me try again,' I said. 'You don't understand your son because he won't
listen to you?'
"'That's what I said,' he impatiently replied.
"'I thought that to understand another person, you needed
to listen to him,' I suggested.
"'Oh!' he said. There was a long pause. 'Oh!' he said again, as the
light began to dawn. 'Oh, yeah! But I do understand him. I know what
he's going through. I went through the same thing myself. I guess what
I don't understand is why he won't listen to me.'
"This man didn't have
the vaguest idea of what was really going on inside his boy's head.
He looked into his own head and thought he saw the world, including
his boy" (1989, pp. 239-240).
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What Does the Bible Say About Communication Pitfalls?
How important does God consider the subject of communication?
Proverbs 18:21
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will
eat its fruit.
Matthew 12:34-37
"Brood of vipers! How can you, being evil, speak good things? For
out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
"A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth
good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil
things.
"But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they
will give account of it in the day of judgment.
"For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you
will be condemned."
James 3:5-8
Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how
great a forest a little fire kindles!
And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among
our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course
of nature; and it is set on fire by hell.
For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea,
is tamed and has been tamed by mankind.
But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
If we speak without thinking, we too often display the fruits of thinking
without God. Since God is judging our every idle word, we need to give
our words careful attention.
Can not listening be a communication pitfall?
Proverbs 18:2, 13
A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart...
He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.
Stephen Covey addresses our society's lack of emphasis on listening skills:
"Communication is the most important skill in life. We spend most of our
waking hours communicating. But consider this: You've spent years learning
how to read and write, years learning how to speak. But what about listening?
What training or education have you had that enables you to listen so
that you really, deeply understand another human being from that individual's
own frame of reference?" (ibid., pp. 237-238).
We need to focus on the other person and force ourselves to seek understanding
of his or her point of view before sharing our own.
What's the sure way of avoiding saying something wrong?
Proverbs 10:19
In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his
lips is wise.
Proverbs 21:23, New Living Translation
If you keep your mouth shut, you will stay out of trouble.
Keeping our mouths shut is a sure way of not saying something bad, but
we can't get through life without communicating. In fact, Proverbs 10:19
clarifies that it is a "multitude of words" that generally causes the
problem. We should avoid being overly talkative and garrulous. Also we
must be very careful to think before we speak and to choose our words
carefully. Whatever we say should be edifying with an intent to reflect
the nature of Christ and to glorify God.
What does the Third Commandment teach about what we should and
shouldn't say?
Exodus 20:7, New Living Translation
"Do not misuse the name of the Lord your God. The Lord will not
let you go unpunished if you misuse his name."
Matthew 5:33-37
"Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall
not swear falsely, but shall perform your oaths to the Lord.'
"But I say to you, do not swear at all: neither by heaven, for
it is God's throne; nor by the earth, for it is His footstool; nor by
Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King.
"Nor shall you swear by your head, because you cannot make one
hair white or black.
"But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.' For whatever
is more than these is from the evil one."
God's name is precious and sacred and deserves the highest respect, though
society today so often uses it in cheap and vile ways. God allowed His
name to be used in oaths and promises in the Old Testament times, but
Jesus Christ told Christians to not swear at all. We should be as careful
with our words and promises as if we had sworn, because as Christians
we are to represent God honorably in our words and actions.
For more about the meaning and application of the Third Commandment today,
see "The
Third Commandment: From Profanity to Praise."
What else does the Bible say about disrespectful, foul or abusive
talk?
Exodus 22:28
"You shall not revile God, nor curse a ruler of your people."
2 Peter 2:10-12
...and especially those who walk according to the flesh in the lust of uncleanness
and despise authority. They are presumptuous, self-willed. They are
not afraid to speak evil of dignitaries, whereas angels, who are greater
in power and might, do not bring a reviling accusation against them
before the Lord.
But these, like natural brute beasts made to be caught and destroyed,
speak evil of the things they do not understand, and will utterly perish
in their own corruption...
Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary
edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
Ephesians 5:4
...neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are
not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.
Our words should be respectful and uplifting, whether we are talking
about God or other people.
What does the Ninth Commandment teach us about truth and lying?
Exodus 20:16
"You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor."
Proverbs 6:16-17
These six things the Lord hates, yes, seven are an abomination to Him:
a proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood...
Ephesians 4:25
Therefore, putting away lying, "Let each one of you speak truth with his
neighbor," for we are members of one another.
Revelation 21:27
But there shall by no means enter it anything that defiles, or causes
an abomination or a lie, but only those who are written in the Lamb's
Book of Life.
God is a God of truth (Deuteronomy 32:4), and lying is the antithesis
of His honest and holy nature. Our modern world doesn't value truth as
highly, and it is so easy to justify a "little" lie when it seems to benefit
us. But God hates lying and will not allow it in His Kingdom, so we must
see through deceit and strive to avoid allowing lies through our lips.
For more about the meaning and application of the Ninth Commandment today,
see "The
Ninth Commandment: Truth as a Way of Life."
How does the Bible describe gossip?
Leviticus 19:16
You shall not go about as a talebearer among your people; nor shall you
take a stand against the life of your neighbor: I am the Lord.
Proverbs 16:27-28
An ungodly man digs up evil, and it is on his lips like a burning fire.
A perverse man sows strife, and a whisperer separates the best of friends.
Proverbs 26:20-22, New Living Translation
Fire goes out for lack of fuel, and quarrels disappear when gossip stops.
A quarrelsome person starts fights as easily as hot embers light charcoal
or fire lights wood.
What dainty morsels rumors are—but they sink deep into one's heart.
Gossip can seem delicious, but it can be deadly to even best friendships.
Gossip and rumors can spread like wildfire and can be just as destructive.
What does the Bible say about sowing discord and causing offense?
Proverbs 6:19
[God hates] A false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord
among brethren.
Proverbs 18:19
A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions
are like the bars of a castle.
Our words can have a devastating effect on others. We can create discord
and offend those who trust us. Afterwards, we can't take the words back,
and trying to win back someone's trust can be a nearly impossible task
as they build up walls of defenses to avoid being hurt again.
How much better to think about our words in advance and remove the pointed
ones and defuse the explosive ones!
How should we deal with others' offensive words or gossip?
Ecclesiastes 7:21-22
Also do not take to heart everything people say, lest you hear your servant
cursing you.
For many times, also, your own heart has known that even you have cursed
others.
When gossip or offensive words are directed at us, we can struggle to
avoid hatred, bitterness and a desire for revenge. As much as possible,
we should ignore and try to avoid hearing these things. But sometimes
we will be hurt and need to deal with the situation. For more about how
to deal with hurtful people, see our lesson on "Dealing
With Difficult People."
Apply Now
Consider the various pitfalls covered in this lesson: not listening,
profanity, foul language, shading the truth, gossip, being offensive or
taking offense. Which is the problem you need to work on most?
Jot down notes about when this behavior is most a problem for you and
think about how you might avoid it. Reread the scriptures that deal with
that pitfall and ask for God's help to overcome the problem. Repeat this
process till, with God's help, you have got this problem under control.
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Related Resources:
Keys to Good Communication
Communicating More
Effectively
Turning
the Hearts... Communicate
Dirty
Talk—Does God Care?
My
Name Is Gossip
Gossip,
Bullies and Technology
Encouraging
Words
Making Life Work
The Ten Commandments
Transforming Your Life: The
Process of Conversion
Dealing
With Difficult People
Kindness:
From the Heart to the Helping Hand
Ten Things
You Can Say to Make Someone's Day
